Paradise in My Eyes

In the dark vault of my room, even in the full light of day, the shadows of loss gather at the horizon and threaten to drive my days to the depths of gloom. When walking to the kitchen for a cup of coffee or tea leaves me breathless and gasping, when a coughing fit leaves me sweating and shaking, and when standing up feels like climbing a ladder to the roof, the shadows gather around. Given free reign, they will overrun and overwhelm.

Tonight, a television show reminded me of the millions who must daily cope with a new normal, because their lives have been redefined by illness and loss. It surely put a crimp in my pity party. Fatigue, frustration, and fear can befuddle the mind and bedevil the will to survive. Freedom, family, and faith can belay the dark clouds and belie the permeating sense of loss.

I suddenly realized that I have been blessed -- shaken awake to discover I live in a fragile house...and it's a rental! I have danced on the verge of eternity's moor and peeked through a crack in death's dark door. God is no longer someone I go to meet at church on Sunday, but a close personal friend and confidant. I no longer fear death. Only suffering gives me pause, and perhaps regret, should I leave without seeking and giving forgiveness where due, and without trying to heal the hurts I caused as I blundered through my life. Look deep into the windows to my soul and see the visions dancing there. Look deep, and maybe you will see paradise in my eyes.

Mick

Paradise in My Eyes

I dreamt of freedom, running,
Now I hesitate to walk.
I reveled once in singing,
Now I strain even to talk.

I climbed a western mountain,
Now a stairway makes me ill.
I swam in lake and fountain,
Now to touch water can kill.

I practiced a firm handshake,
Now there's no one I can touch.
I hiked wooded fen and brake,
Now I don't go out so much...

I never courted sunshine,
Now it dare not touch my skin.
I savored beer and fine wine,
Now avoid their kith and kin.

I broke each fast with great food,
Now I start each day with pills.
I enjoyed what tasted good,
Now I miss those tasty thrills.

That was then, and this is now.
Though my memories contrive
To see but loss, I still know
That I'm very much alive!

I sense the darkling coolness,
Bright memory shadows cast.
I center on the stillness,
Of knowing the past is past.

I walked near the end of life.
I tread eternity's moor.
I pried death's gate with a knife.
I peeked beyond death's dark door.

I live days, as though dying
Without fear is right and wise.
Look deep, and without trying,
See paradise in my eyes.

Mick McKellar
September 2012