Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Secrets and Revelations

It is now after midnight. January has flown and February is howling at my window. The bitterly cold air that hisses and whistles past the pane of glass and shakes the screen sings its icy song to my heart. The heart-song of the winter wind reverberates among the empty caverns of my heart — caverns once filled with determination, with purpose, and with trust — caverns that were emptied, day by day, as hard-won trust melted slowly away — trust stolen by secrets and destroyed upon their revelation.

Secrets lie hidden in the darkest corners of our minds and our souls. They gnaw at the foundations of our facades, so that cracks appear, apparent to any and all who care to see. Information withheld cannot be seen directly, but its absence leaves a rip in the fabric of our lives.

There lurked a secret, darkly indistinct and murky behind the suddenly changed behavior of those I thought friends. None would reveal it, so my imagination filled in dark shadows and told me a tale, sang me a song that told of lost trust and doubtful integrity. It sang to me of friendship lost and silence where once banter bloomed. It sang to me of discouragement and disappointment. It sang to me a terrible story and spread a new gospel of distrust. Two months this tune played until the final chorus ended the long nightmare by reducing all to simple figures on a spreadsheet.

A fitting end, perhaps, to a sad tale of terrible secrets and abrupt revelation, seasoned only with anguish and angst.


Secrets and Revelations

I interviewed my aching heart:
A long and brutal interview that knifed through tissue soft and tender.
What horror had I said or done?
What gaff had altered all abruptly,
Flipped upside-down my life and tossed it in a blender?

When conversations ended mid-word, as I sailed past a room's threshold;
When shuttered eyes and shut-up hearts failed to return my greetings;
When luncheon plans flowed all around, yet invisible, I was forgotten;
When messages failed to reach me -- about important meetings;
I felt a sudden disconnect -- a vein pulled roughly from my arm,
Severing the umbilical which tied me to their hearts.

Bleak, my eyes sought answers, hard to bear, but harder to ignore.
None would meet the silent gaze that desperation fuels.
The soft patina of respect, which shone so warmly from my friends,
Had dimmed un-looked-for suddenly, as though it died a-borning...
The comfortable arms of trust that daily hugged me as I toiled,
Pushed me far, and farther still away each bitter morning.
Months of cold and bitter angst, furiously fueled and tended,
Wrought leaden darkling winter clouds upon each solitary day.

Until with vacant, eager eyes,
Spectres of my dark daydream snatched that future from my grasp --
And took that life away.
I did not cry for sudden loss, but for lack of simple care,
And for empty words and eyes that haunted my long nightmare.

Mick McKellar
February 2009

No comments: